Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — The reputation of the Toyota Motors Corp. received another black eye today as the president of the embattled company missed his scheduled appearance at congressional hearings after he overshot Washington, D.C., by 150 miles.__

Peter McKay - My wife and I have always been kind of news junkies.

Andy Borowitz - With Tiger Woods' much-anticipated press conference set for Friday morning, thousands of the golf legend's mistresses converged on Yankee Stadium to watch the proceedings on the stadium's giant Jumbotron.??

Peter McKay - Last weekend, like most of the eastern half of the country, we got hit with a snowstorm like we hadn't seen in years.

Andy Borowitz - SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) — A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it's called PhoneBook.??

Peter McKay - For about 10 years now, my wife and I have been sleeping on the third floor of our old house. I'm not sure if the attic was originally meant to be used as full-time living space. There's a toilet up there, but few electrical outlets and no heat. It might have been used as storage or servants' quarters, or maybe as an emergency bathroom for a crazy uncle hiding in the attic.

Andy Borowitz - TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) — Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were "perfectly safe to use."

Peter McKay - About a year or so ago, my wife and I decided that we were probably doing our kids a disservice by letting them off so easy in life. We made a decision to assign each kid … a chore.

Andy Borowitz - CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) — In the same week that it launched its much-touted iPad, Apple introduced its latest game-changer to the tech marketplace, a text-sharing device called the CoTex.

Peter McKay - For the past 26 years, my wife and I have had a running argument about age. It is an argument I cannot win because the rules change every time I figure it out.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In a sharply worded speech, President Barack Obama today blasted all of the nation's bankers who are not currently in his cabinet.

Peter McKay - For years at our house, we have had teenaged boys and video games.

Andy Borowitz - VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) — Just hours after saying that God was punishing Haiti for making a "pact with the devil," televangelist Pat Robertson retracted the statement, telling TV viewers, "Haiti? I thought they said 'Hades.'"

Peter McKay - Life with our stinky, decrepit West Highland Terrier, Harry, has always been a little bit of a challenge.

Andy Borowitz - Full-Body Scans to Double as Annual Checkups;

Peter McKay - This year, my wife and I decided we were going to see off the year — what I think everybody can agree was a pretty rotten year (and decade, for that matter) — with a bang by having a New Year's Eve party.

Andy Borowitz - Department of Homeland Security Issues Terrorist ID Cards;

Peter McKay - The other week, I had to go out of town on business for a few days, some of which were school days, and some of which fell on the weekend. I had to pack at the last minute, but as I was throwing together a bag, I remembered to run over and set the alarm clock for the next couple mornings so my wife could get the kids to school on time.

Peter McKay - This past week we officially became the last people in our neighborhood to put up Christmas decorations. Every year it's a game of chicken. We try to put them off until the last possible minute, but not so late that we're the absolute last house. This year, we lost.

Andy Borowitz - Senate Unveils CompromiseCare™;