Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In what might be the most serious challenge to Barack Obama's legitimacy as president, a new poll shows that one out of five Americans is not convinced that Obama exists.

Peter McKay - In just a few weeks, it will begin again — another school year, started with resolve and determination, expectations of a well-run, smoothly productive operation.

Peter McKay - As I write this column, I have a bead of sweat dripping down my nose. It's working its way to the tip of my nose, where it will slowly drip off and land on my desk. It's annoying, but reaching up to wipe my face would just take more energy, which in turn would get me sweatier, if that is even possible.

Peter McKay - As I write this column, I have a bead of sweat dripping down my nose. It's working its way to the tip of my nose, where it will slowly drip off and land on my desk. It's annoying, but reaching up to wipe my face would just take more energy, which in turn would get me sweatier, if that is even possible.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Effective immediately, all workplaces in the United States will be fitted with inflatable slides to enable disgruntled employees to quit as dramatically as possible.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Effective immediately, all workplaces in the United States will be fitted with inflatable slides to enable disgruntled employees to quit as dramatically as possible.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Effective immediately, all workplaces in the United States will be fitted with inflatable slides to enable disgruntled employees to quit as dramatically as possible.

Peter McKay - We have a room tacked on the back of our house where we keep just about everything we don't want in our regular house. I suppose it was originally meant to be a breakfast nook, but it's small and hot in the summer and stone cold in the winter.

Andy Borowitz - MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) — Just hours after a federal judge struck down California's ban on gay marriage, a new study revealed that well over 70 percent of existing marriages may already be gay.

Andy Borowitz - MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) — Just hours after a federal judge struck down California's ban on gay marriage, a new study revealed that well over 70 percent of existing marriages may already be gay.

Peter McKay - Our old West Highland terrier, Harry, is getting more decrepit by the minute.

Peter McKay - Our old West Highland terrier, Harry, is getting more decrepit by the minute.

Andy Borowitz - LONDON (The Borowitz Report) — Carrying through on its pledge to install fresh leadership at the top of the company, BP today replaced embattled CEO Tony Hayward with a startled deer.

Andy Borowitz - LONDON (The Borowitz Report) — Carrying through on its pledge to install fresh leadership at the top of the company, BP today replaced embattled CEO Tony Hayward with a startled deer.

Peter McKay - This past Wednesday on the way home from work, my wife and I picked up our 16-year-old son from his guitar lessons and headed home. On the way, though, my wife had to stop at the grocery store to just pick up a few items.

Peter McKay - This past Wednesday on the way home from work, my wife and I picked up our 16-year-old son from his guitar lessons and headed home. On the way, though, my wife had to stop at the grocery store to just pick up a few items.

Andy Borowitz - WASILLA, Alaska (The Borowitz Report) — Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin defended her use of the word "refudiate," telling her critics, "Look it up in the fictionary."

Andy Borowitz - WASILLA, Alaska (The Borowitz Report) — Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin defended her use of the word "refudiate," telling her critics, "Look it up in the fictionary."

Andy Borowitz - WASILLA, Alaska (The Borowitz Report) — Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin defended her use of the word "refudiate," telling her critics, "Look it up in the fictionary."

Peter McKay - Like most average (or let's be completely honest: slightly-less-than-average) parents of three teenagers, I am constantly broke. It's a process all parents go through as their children grow toward adulthood. Babies want your love. Little kids want your attention. Teenagers want your spare cash.