Andy Borowitz - Afraid To Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox

Peter McKay - In a moment I've dreaded for years, my 15-year-old daughter asked me if she could have a boy over.

Andy Borowitz - LONG BEACH, CA (The Borowitz Report) — A new combatant entered the so-called tablet war today, and it's already getting a big thumbs-up from gadget aficionados: the Etch A Sketch 2.

Peter McKay - For a lot of people, March means picking basketball teams for March Madness brackets and then losing money in office pools. For others, it means dressing up in green, attending parades, and calling in sick to work the next day. For me, March has become synonymous with small girls sneaking up to my house in a twisted conspiracy to make sure that I never get back to a 32-inch waist.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — The economic recovery received an unexpected jolt today as the Labor Department announced that unemployment increased last week by two and a half men.

Peter McKay - This past Wednesday, I picked my wife up from work (we car pool) just like I do every day, and we pulled out of her parking lot and headed out of the city as usual.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In an effort to show that they are serious about reducing the size of the federal deficit, a group of House Republicans announced today that they would totally eliminate shirts from this year's congressional budget.

Peter McKay - Years ago, the Super Bowl was marred when, during the halftime show, most Americans got a view of Janet Jackson that no one should see unless they bought her an engagement ring or a Mother's Day card. For weeks if not months afterward, the country debated whether what they saw was obscenity.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Concerned that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak did not receive his message to begin a peaceful transition to democratic reforms, President Barack Obama said today that he would resend the message, "but this time in all caps."

Peter McKay - Last weekend, my wife and I decided to celebrate our 50th birthdays by taking a long weekend trip to Mexico, where, I suppose, nobody knows our age.

Andy Borowitz - MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) — In her official tea party response to President Obama's State of the Union address, Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., offered a bold new policy initiative she called "Don't Add, Don't Spell." Bachmann called the proposal "a reflection of core tea party values" and said it would "deliver the American people from the tyranny of arithmetic, spelling and punctuation."

Peter McKay - Every couple of weeks, another story comes along that captures the nation's attention. It's usually something really pointless and stupid, but it serves an important purpose: If we can focus on a made-up controversy, we can ignore our real problems. It's the same principle that makes couples across the country fight over toothpaste-squeezing philosophies.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In a moving White House ceremony today, President Hu Jintao of China presented U.S. President Barack Obama with a counterfeit DVD of the Hollywood blockbuster "Toy Story 3."

Peter McKay - One of the inevitable facts of life is that as your kids get older, your concerns change. When your children are toddlers, you say things like, "stick close to me!" "Don't touch that!" and "Oh my God, did you really put that in your mouth?" Then you gag.

Andy Borowitz - NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — The Fox News Channel today attempted to bust what it called a "mainstream media myth" by reporting that there was no link between matches, gasoline and fire.

Peter McKay - One of our New Year's resolutions has been to clean out all the junk from our basement. It's a resolution awhile in the making.

Andy Borowitz - CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) — Apple, Inc. canceled a press conference today to address the glitch plaguing the iPhone's alarm function when company chief Steve Jobs failed to show.

Peter McKay - Last month, I turned 50. That will come as a surprise to many readers who have assumed, because I am usually cranky and often complaining, that I was much older. In fact, many regular readers are older women who say I remind them of their husbands — their late husbands.

Andy Borowitz - VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) — Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today's broadcast of his "700 Club" program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast "to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay."

Peter McKay - For years now, I've had a set routine in the morning. I come down to the kitchen, turn on the lights, flip on the TV, feed the dog and get a cup of coffee. Then I turn the oven on to "bake," open the door of our gas oven, and sit down to read the paper.