Peter McKay - As a father of two females and a husband of one, I am called to maintain razor-sharp powers of observation. As any father/husband can attest, you never know when someone is going to put you on the spot.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In a three-way swap that may be unprecedented in U.S. history, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to become vice president of the United States, Vice President Joe Biden will become president of Afghanistan, and Afghan President Hamid Karzai will be traded to the Minnesota Vikings.

Peter McKay - The other night, my wife and I were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner when "Dancing with the Stars" came on TV.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — With just a month remaining until the crucial midterm elections, worried Democrats have decided to reach out to the man who played Barack Obama during the 2008 campaign, Democratic Party officials confirmed today.

Peter McKay - A couple of years ago, I wrote a column about stink bugs. At the time, they were starting to invade our house, and I was freaking out, man.

Peter McKay - For years now, any time I've needed to call customer service, I've had to sit quietly for a few minutes prior to picking up the phone, collect myself, and do a little deep breathing in preparation.

Andy Borowitz - WILMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O'Donnell's anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

Peter McKay - We've been living in the same suburb for a long time — almost 18 years.

Andy Borowitz - JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (The Borowitz Report) — A rabid Doberman pinscher jumped on stage at a tea party rally in Missouri on Labor Day and barked at the crowd for nearly 20 minutes before people realized he was not a candidate. The dog, later identified by its owner as "Mister Buster," held the crowd spellbound as he barked, growled and frothed at the mouth, eventually receiving a standing ovation for his exertions.

Peter McKay - This year, my wife and I have two girls going into ninth grade. The start of high school means getting up earlier than usual, constant after-school activities as well as homework I not only can't help with, but also don't even have a passing acquaintance with. (I know trigonometry and calculus are math-ish subjects, but I couldn't pick 'em out in a lineup.) But mostly to me, the start of high school means bugs.

Peter McKay - This may come as a surprise to my wife, but I can't really complain too much about life around here. I have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet and three square meals a day. The only thing I lack, in fact, is dessert.

Andy Borowitz - WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In what might be the most serious challenge to Barack Obama's legitimacy as president, a new poll shows that one out of five Americans is not convinced that Obama exists.

Peter McKay - In just a few weeks, it will begin again — another school year, started with resolve and determination, expectations of a well-run, smoothly productive operation.